Flying Away on a Wing and a Prayer

My life has changed. Bright and colorful!

My old friends may be envious, but I’ve made new friends.

They are of my kind, happy, colorful, and prosperous!

My life has changed!

People admire my beauty, praise my abilities.

They talk about me; I bring smile to their faces.

People who once called me an ugly caterpillar,

Now call me a butterfly.

My life has changed!

For Whom The Bell Tolls

It's raining hard. I'm standing in a lone corner of the garden, staring at her for a long time. Will I go and propose to her? Will she accept it after so many years? Her husband and kids are there with her. Her family friends are also present. I cannot ruin her life like this! I definitely can't!

Damn! Why did I waste all these years and what am I doing here now? She could have been mine 8 years back on that rainy day in college. But, I was too busy with my career...

No! I cannot wait any longer. I don't care about social barriers. I need to confess my love to her. I need to let her know I'm still there for her...

I make up my mind and slowly walk towards her.

But it was too late. By then, the old priest had already covered her coffin!

But, She Didn't Realize!

Death! That’s what you can think about. You dumbass! You suicidal freak!

Listen…

She didn't let me finish yet again.

“What? Your life is full of pain? You had enough and don’t want to live any longer? You want to die because you did not get the things you have always expected? You are not a painter, you are a sadist!

I had to interfere this time. She was going too far.

“Listen Sam, it’s my life.”

Yes! It’s your life. That’s why you have the right to erase yourself without even thinking about the people who care for you, right? Fuck! You and your complications.

I knew this conversation was not going anywhere. It was high time to draw an end to this. It’s time to reveal my feelings otherwise it might be too late.

“Ok Sam, I’m not going to die will you please stop cursing me?” I sat beside her. I could smell her perfume now. It was slowly going through my veins making me dizzy and addicted. But, this was not a time for romance. I need her. Not as a friend anymore. Damn! People who propose to others should get bravery awards.

She didn’t even notice how close I was. Probably because she was completely pissed off with me or perhaps with my suicidal thoughts! She is the only one who has always stopped me from taking the wrong road. I was merely a child when I lost my parents; she is the one who was with me all these years. She is much more than a good friend. And today I need to tell her! I wonder how she is going to react. Oh God!

Suddenly she snapped back to the reality and turned to me. Her eyes were filled with tears. Damn! The last thing I wanted to see is her tears.

She looked directly at my eyes. “What do you want? I cannot bear this fear of losing you. Trust me I cannot!”

I knew this was the time. Nothing could have been better than this!

“Sam…” I took her hands in mine. “You don’t want to lose me ever, no? Trust me even I want the same.” Her eyes looked baffled, completely unaware of what I’m going to say.

“You have always been there for me, I don’t have anyone else in my life, no one understands me, no one loves my paintings like you do. I want you to be with me (paused for a few seconds) I want you to be with me but not as a friend, as my love!”

She was shocked… but I could read her eyes… like I always do… they were filled with happiness! Her tears were no longer carrying her sadness. As if she wanted to listen to this for a long time. Oh how stupid I was…

“CUT!! Lights..."

And within few seconds the place, which seemed so deserted was filled with co-actors, light men, camera men, and other crew members…

I looked at Rupsha, she was busy wiping off the glycerin from her eyes.

- “Excellent!”

I felt a pat on my back. I turned; it was my director, complimenting me for emoting my pains so expressively. I turned to Rupsha again! She was busy talking to her makeup man. Suddenly everything went blank. I could no longer hear the humming noise of the busy studio. It was me and Rupsha once again. I murmured “What’s your answer Sam? You didn’t reply…”

Listen, I'm Not In A Mood to Talk

It all started with a phone call. One of my relatives visited Kolkata few months back and called me for a casual chat about my illustrations. He asked me whether I'm planning to take this as my career. I glibly replied, “that's what I dream about.” The man went into his “hmmmm I see” mode before asking, “So, being a professional writer, don't you find it odd to write web content and create paintings at the same time?”

Everything but everything in my life can be traced back to a tiny six letter word - 'pencil.' I was a boy who was terribly weak in maths, scarcely participated in outdoor games, stumbled to utter a short sentence properly, and had a zero confidence level, but I'm not embarrassed... I only feel bad! Terribly bad. So, the only thing I could do was to sit in a lone corner of my room with a blank page from my old fair copy and a pencil that was so small that I always had to struggle to hold it properly. What else do you expect Mr. relative? Me flying a F-16 at the age of 24? I never claimed myself a genius. Did I?

After all these years, I can't remember who was the first person to appreciate that ugly, immature drawing of mine. Our brains forget so many precious memories. Things have changed. Today, i earn enough to buy thousands of pencils, colors, and sketch pads. But, I still wonder... who made me realize you had a bad start and there were no other options. But, you picked up the right weapon... that was the best decision you ever made.

I can't remember how long I was staring at the computer screen. Suddenly it switched into the power saving mode and the dark Windows XP screensaver popped up. Within a second I got my answer! Thanks to the dim room light, I could see myself staring at me on the computer screen.

Wizard is Down! I Repeat, Wizard is...

Death! It's all around us... still we try to live. But, i'm getting addicted to the thought - I don't exist! Another attempt? Another chance to get rid of pains? My negative thoughts are getting immensely popular!

Now I know…

It was a lonely afternoon, I was as usual a prisoner in my room busy with a blank canvas. There was a crow sitting outside my window trying to exchange a few words with me for quite a long time. Crows of North Kolkata are very much demanding these days. They are not happy with stealing fish from kitchen, my charcoal pencils, and even a watercolor tube from my study. Rebellions, you know. They are everywhere. They always want something extra.

I could hear the ‘trin-trin’ sound of trams rushing through the deserted roads madly under the scorching sun. There was stillness in the air. Everything seemed so dull and lifeless. It was as if the sun absorbed all the colors of life and put them on my palette. My restlessness slowly evolved as an agitation. I wanted to talk to someone. What will I draw? I’m alone. There’s no one to guide me. If now I stumble and fall down, no one is going to hold my hand…

I turned to the crow. It was patiently waiting for more than half n hour. I know what you were trying to say… I know what this is called… I know I can’t expect anyone to guide me anymore… I know I have grown up! I know I have some responsibilities. I may be 23, but I know I’m 45 inside my heart.

- “kkaw kkaw!” the crow nodded with approval and fled away. I told you, rebellions are here to change our world!

The Day He Escaped From His Cage

It was a lonely afternoon, the scorching mid noon sun was departing towards the west in a very leisurely manner. City roads were all deserted by the crowds and the bustling places which were usually packed with teenagers in the evenings are all forsaken with their daily odds and ends. He didn’t have anything to do but sit and observe the grayish sky outside the window. He could have started another painting but somehow that mood was missing… he was helplessly looking at his world losing the entire colors of his life inch after inch.

“Will I ever smile again? Will I ever live all the minutes of a day without hovering upon depressing thoughts and agonizing tensions?” - He closed the diary. Once again it was the same thing… that mood was lacking! Nothing can be done, he sighed! A lonely gust of air embraced the roadside trees hastily and some of the leaves fell down and touched the ground quietly!

Deep within his mind, he was all prepared to hear such words. But, this time he didn’t want to shift his focus… this time he didn’t want to wake up from his dreams! From the day he started understanding the tangible meaning of the things happening around him… he knew his life was destined to endure agony. He knew nothing will change… time is the best healer and he has the worst tolerance perhaps…

[Image]

She Was Hugged in the Middle of A Road...

“Sam, I’m not in a mood to talk about all these crap! I want to live my life to the fullest and anyone who tries to suffocate me for the sake of past becomes a hindrance in my eyes.”

She was no longer looking at his eyes, but she knew they were filled with rage and hatred for her! She knew this was the end of their relationship and nothing can change his mind. She doesn’t even want to give it a try…

“And one more thing Sam, we can still stay in touch as good friends, but if you try to blackmail me and ruin my career… I will screw your life!”

She could have said that it was she who sacrificed her career blindly in his love. It was she who wanted to forget that hatred of his eyes as soon as possible. But she didn’t want to answer because she will never be able to heal those wounds anymore… the more you think about it the more you cry!

She didn’t know where to go… suddenly she lost all the purposes of her life. Standing in the middle of a busy city she suddenly felt alone… and at once she had the tremendous urge to run back to him because his love was the only thing that kept her going while everything else was going horribly wrong.

Memories are always treacherous! They always remind the good days when we cry and take us back to those painful days whenever you are contented with your life. The hatred of his eyes prevented her from doing yet another mistake…

After all it was her slipup to trust someone so blindly… she wiped her tears and thought! She looked at the bustling city crowds, bright advertisements, and lively malls… she could no longer feel close to her own city. The only way out was to commit suicide and get rid of the painful present but she didn’t have the courage to die. Buying a 4 rupee ticket, get inside a metro station and jump whenever the train comes to the platform… as simple as that. She could easily take an overdose of sleeping pills and rest in peace for the rest of his life… she could easily slash her vein and run away from all these stupidities by committing another stupid act…

She suddenly realized there was someone special in her life that she has always neglected! He was her first and probably the last love… he won’t look at her with eyes full of rage and hatred ever…

Standing amidst the lively city she no longer felt alone… left with her own adversities! Instead, she felt how idiotic it was to abandon her first love for a mere illusion… now she was determined to live with him… now she was knew his name… it’s her own LIFE!!

Hover Through the Fog and Filthy Air

“What exactly are you going to do with your skills?” – They ask every time I draw something new.

I look like a baffled last boy of the class when the teacher has asked an easy question from the Chemistry book. It’s a chemistry of life and I’m exceedingly bad as a chemist!

Somewhere deep within a dark sphere of my bewildered soul someone cries out “skill? What skill are you talking about?” I don’t have any skill. I didn’t even know the existence of such a skill inside me! I breathe only because I can’t live without oxygen. I draw… only because I can’t survive without it.

Every night I hear the voice of a weary painter… desperately looking for an oxygen mask and a canvas in front. I don’t know how to open the clogged windows of my room and let the birds come in. I’m all alone and ensnared in a world of pale turpentine and unfinished canvases.

My feeble hand holds the color palette in an utter perplexity… still can’t choose the right color of life. My cartoon character… Bighead asks me every so often “What exactly are you going to do with me you fool?” I could have… but I can’t wipe away his dialogue balloon. I can’t do anything except painting!

And every single day those frantic molecules continue asking –

“What exactly are you going to do with your skills?”

Have You Accomplished Your Goals?

In order to write a sentence as it should be, you need to think about it before you begin your writing. Every great work must have a proper planning or else dreams will turn out to be a fuss and you will by no means be able to see those dreams taking shapes in realism. For instance, we all dream of becoming something that fascinates us from our childhood. But, very few of us can successfully achieve his/her dreams. People, those who can effectively accomplish their dreams are often referred as super humans or someone with a god like demeanor. But, are they really born with some extraterrestrial talent? They are highly talented but that talent is not enough to make them triumphant or more precisely accomplish the task and grab what they have dreamt of.

There’s something called planning. That makes the entire difference between the sides that fails to achieve and those who can actually touch the sky. Proper planning is the first major step of accomplishing bigger goals of life.

People who do not succeed in life and end up being an ordinary employee, people who can’t achieve their dreams often fail to become conscious about the lack of proper planning. They blame their fate and hope for some kind of supernatural assistance. They argue, “There was a plan” but simply it didn’t work out.

This world is a history of some self-assured people those who understood “they CAN.” Despite of failing 999 times, they refused to give up, tried one last time, and finally achieved what they have dreamt of. That makes the entire difference between people who give up so easily with those like Napoleon Bonaparte or Thomas Alva Edison. If you couldn’t achieve your goals despite of having a plan, then that plan was not “planned” enough. Rather, not passionate enough! Only those people are eligible to create history on this earth who passionately believes “I CAN.”

When Things Goes Wrong

 Every time life throws a new challenge and starts changing the older rules, I try my best to cope with the situation and feel like an optimist. Optimism is something that injects new hope in us and helps to get rid of the difficult situations of day to day life.

Personally, I have experienced both the negative and positive sides of life. At times I become extremely pessimist and when that cynic gets fed up with the continuous flow of depressing state of affairs there evolves an optimist who wants to survive and live a happy life. Unfortunately, none of them survives.

They both spend sleepless nights and depressed days with a hope that things will definitely improve. I’ve experienced some really awkward moments of life and I know there are even more difficult situations waiting in front of me. That frightens me.

There was a time when I seriously felt suicide is the only way out! Fortunately I couldn’t commit suicide because on the right moment life made me realize that I have some bigger responsibilities to fulfill. Those depressing thoughts still paralyze my mind.

Trust me I’m not here to be a “spiritual baba” someone who has all the solutions of living a happy and fruitful life. I’m just like one of you… trying to find a way out.

There are infinite numbers of people like me those who are frustrated with these “difficult times” of life. They are not ready to adopt any theories in their life and make it more intricate. We guys are wandering in the middle of nowhere with infinite number of unanswered questions in mind.

Life is not a theory; it can’t be defined by any doctrine or dogmatic religious views. People like me want to live a decent life without any hassles. People like me chew their dreams and live their life with infinite numbers of hopes. That is what keeps them going.

They are pessimist because life has very little gifts for them. On the other hand, they try to be optimistic because running away from life is not a solution for them either.

Waiting for You Jack...

 

Why do I find so many similarities between Pip of "Great Expectations" and my own childhood? Well, this is not going to be one of those "nostalgic" articles for sure. Once someone revealed, life is the best teacher and she was the worst learner perhaps... days have passed! Finally a fool has realized that, he is the second worst learner indeed!

Standing at these juncture, things have changed! Even that stupid boy has also learned to accepting some hidden rules of life. Now he hates everything related to his past... and wish to consult a doctor to wake up from the nightmare.

I know there are many such "Ajesh" out there who failed to disclose their capability on the right time. But, trust me guys, there was a time when I thought "this is the end of the road, nothing will workout... this was the story of a poor, crap immature lover, and from tomorrow onwards there will be one fool less on this planet..."

Still I'm alive! There are no secrets...there are no magical spell... luckily I realized that life is not a shit! There's no point of cursing life saying, "Ohh why me..you moron, why me!!!" Life is not interested in such "WTF" words from a repenting soul.

Life is only for winners. If you are not trying to be a part of the game, get out of the field and no one else will bother anything about you. Trust me man, no one will cry except all the fun that you missed.

Life is much bigger than wasting your tears over past! Get out of your grave and poke your friends on Facebook!