But, She Didn't Realize!

Death! That’s what you can think about. You dumbass! You suicidal freak!

Listen…

She didn't let me finish yet again.

“What? Your life is full of pain? You had enough and don’t want to live any longer? You want to die because you did not get the things you have always expected? You are not a painter, you are a sadist!

I had to interfere this time. She was going too far.

“Listen Sam, it’s my life.”

Yes! It’s your life. That’s why you have the right to erase yourself without even thinking about the people who care for you, right? Fuck! You and your complications.

I knew this conversation was not going anywhere. It was high time to draw an end to this. It’s time to reveal my feelings otherwise it might be too late.

“Ok Sam, I’m not going to die will you please stop cursing me?” I sat beside her. I could smell her perfume now. It was slowly going through my veins making me dizzy and addicted. But, this was not a time for romance. I need her. Not as a friend anymore. Damn! People who propose to others should get bravery awards.

She didn’t even notice how close I was. Probably because she was completely pissed off with me or perhaps with my suicidal thoughts! She is the only one who has always stopped me from taking the wrong road. I was merely a child when I lost my parents; she is the one who was with me all these years. She is much more than a good friend. And today I need to tell her! I wonder how she is going to react. Oh God!

Suddenly she snapped back to the reality and turned to me. Her eyes were filled with tears. Damn! The last thing I wanted to see is her tears.

She looked directly at my eyes. “What do you want? I cannot bear this fear of losing you. Trust me I cannot!”

I knew this was the time. Nothing could have been better than this!

“Sam…” I took her hands in mine. “You don’t want to lose me ever, no? Trust me even I want the same.” Her eyes looked baffled, completely unaware of what I’m going to say.

“You have always been there for me, I don’t have anyone else in my life, no one understands me, no one loves my paintings like you do. I want you to be with me (paused for a few seconds) I want you to be with me but not as a friend, as my love!”

She was shocked… but I could read her eyes… like I always do… they were filled with happiness! Her tears were no longer carrying her sadness. As if she wanted to listen to this for a long time. Oh how stupid I was…

“CUT!! Lights..."

And within few seconds the place, which seemed so deserted was filled with co-actors, light men, camera men, and other crew members…

I looked at Rupsha, she was busy wiping off the glycerin from her eyes.

- “Excellent!”

I felt a pat on my back. I turned; it was my director, complimenting me for emoting my pains so expressively. I turned to Rupsha again! She was busy talking to her makeup man. Suddenly everything went blank. I could no longer hear the humming noise of the busy studio. It was me and Rupsha once again. I murmured “What’s your answer Sam? You didn’t reply…”

Listen, I'm Not In A Mood to Talk

It all started with a phone call. One of my relatives visited Kolkata few months back and called me for a casual chat about my illustrations. He asked me whether I'm planning to take this as my career. I glibly replied, “that's what I dream about.” The man went into his “hmmmm I see” mode before asking, “So, being a professional writer, don't you find it odd to write web content and create paintings at the same time?”

Everything but everything in my life can be traced back to a tiny six letter word - 'pencil.' I was a boy who was terribly weak in maths, scarcely participated in outdoor games, stumbled to utter a short sentence properly, and had a zero confidence level, but I'm not embarrassed... I only feel bad! Terribly bad. So, the only thing I could do was to sit in a lone corner of my room with a blank page from my old fair copy and a pencil that was so small that I always had to struggle to hold it properly. What else do you expect Mr. relative? Me flying a F-16 at the age of 24? I never claimed myself a genius. Did I?

After all these years, I can't remember who was the first person to appreciate that ugly, immature drawing of mine. Our brains forget so many precious memories. Things have changed. Today, i earn enough to buy thousands of pencils, colors, and sketch pads. But, I still wonder... who made me realize you had a bad start and there were no other options. But, you picked up the right weapon... that was the best decision you ever made.

I can't remember how long I was staring at the computer screen. Suddenly it switched into the power saving mode and the dark Windows XP screensaver popped up. Within a second I got my answer! Thanks to the dim room light, I could see myself staring at me on the computer screen.